Which Urge Is Stronger— Sex Or Love?

It's a question that some therapists say will be around causing debates more than a hundred years from now. Which urge is stronger--sex or love?

Dr. Audrey Chapman, a couples therapist who also hosts a radio show at Howard University in Washington, D.C., said it's an issue that's basically generational with younger people looking for sex and older ones focusing on love.

"It depends on what your experiences have been and how long you've been out there dealing with relationships," she said. "Sex is really the fuel that lights up, puts the sizzle in a loving relationship. People can enjoy sex in and of itself for lust's sake. You don't have to have love to enjoy sex. Probably the strongest human desire for most people is to be loved. You can have sex with a stranger. It doesn't mean you feel loved or in a loving way when you've completed the act."

Youngsters in their 20's place more emphasis on sex, she said. "At 20, sex is really more of an overwhelming urge. They have raging hormones, don't want to be involved with anyone, just want someone to take care of their thing. They figure they've got the rest of their lives for love. A woman at that age figures she's ready to settle down around 35 or so."

Dr. Grace Cornish, the after-care psychologist on "The Queen Latifah Show," agreed with some of Dr. Chapman's assessments. "It does depend on where you are in your relationship," she said. "I think in the very beginning, the physical is what you see first. There's an old adage that women give sex just to feel love and men will say `I love you' just to have the sex. But, that's changed a lot in the last seven years. Men and women are both getting more spiritually grounded, not so much religious, but a mind/body connection."

Diane, a 40ish public health nurse, said sex is stronger and that it's a gender issue. "Sex is a stronger urge in men," she said. "Men just typically won't pass up a chance for sex. It's just the way men are socialized. In general, I think the urge for sex is stronger than that for love. You can love person `A', but still want sex with person `B.' It's an urge and people will answer urges. Love is hard to define and changes from person to person. Sex is primal. An urge can be answered and go away. It's easier to be a slave to sex than love. It's a stronger entity, taking a larger space in one's life when it needs to be answered."

Still, regardless of the age group, she said love is most powerful. "The overwhelming urge is to love," she said. "Even when people are just having sex, that moment when they're looking for that orgasm, they want someone to hug and nurture them. Love makes you feel good. Sex is just an act. Even when a relationship is short-term and the person goes from partner to partner when something goes bitter in the relationship, it's sex they're after, but love they're craving."

Rebecca, a twentysomething woman who does freelance marketing, agreed the stronger urge is sex. To prove her point she recalled a battle in ancient Greece that she read about where the men fought for such a long time that the women became weary and decided to withhold sex from them. The fighting ended almost immediately, she said.

Paul, 45, a medical billing clerk, disagreed. "Love is your head and heart," he said. "Sex is just sex. A menage a trois is just sex, but not love. Love is stronger. People will kill for love. Crimes of passion. You can have sex by yourself. You can buy sex, but you can't buy love. Love is a totally different power."

William July II, an author who wrote the book Understanding the Tin Man: Why So Many Men Avoid Intimacy, echoed those sentiments about love. "I think the love urge is much stronger," he said. "I think people are seeking to feel love through sex a lot. That's why it looks like the sexual urge is greater. But, really it's the love urge that drives us and motivates us to want to connect and be part of each other's lives. The sexual urge is easier to gratify, but it ultimately doesn't satisfy."

Ultimately, AIDS has changed so much of the debate, Dr. Chapman said. Now, she said, people are more inclined to look for "solid relationships, friendship and loving bonds. Plus, you don't begin to feel worthless from not having sex. You do begin to feel worthless and question if you're acceptable if you don't feel loved."